Tuesday, 3 December 2019

Dear Future Self / After Suicide Attempt

Dear Future Self,

You are loved, you are cared about, you are so important and unique. You deserve more than anything to be alive and living. You are such a special soul who deserves to see what her future holds for her. You never know what you’ll achieve in the future if you aren’t alive for it. Keep going through this hard time, pain doesn’t last forever. You will pull through. You will promise me. We’ve got to keep going because we deserve to be here. We deserve a happy future for ourself.  There’s so many people rooting you on to be that happy person. Keep going you can get through this one night or day. This too shall pass. You will make it through I promise you, you deserve nothing but the best for yourself. You are such a strong women one day you’ll look back at your struggles and smile at how bloody strong you really are. Keep going to see what future self brings you because you deserve to find out the answers to your future. The world is yours to take on. Do what makes you happy. Keep going through even the worst times of your life because this too shall pass and you will eventually feel better. I promise you. I have so much love for you because you deserve all the love in the world. You deserve to feel loved and you deserve to be at your best. So keep going. Don’t give in yet it’ll will all be worth the wait, I promise. Everything will fall into place.

Hannah x

Sunday, 17 November 2019

Recovery

I’m so ready to recover. I’m struggling. I didn’t think I would admit it that me the strong would admit to being so broken and alone. I thought I would be better by now, I haven’t been the same since my breakdown in 2017, i can’t remember the exact date anymore but it was December I think the 13th. I thought I would come back from that well I never did and I don’t know if I ever will. Recovery hasn’t been easy and I am not sure i’ve even made much progress.


I thought I’d be in a better place by now, but I am not. I didn’t realise how slow a progress recovery really is and that’s something I want everyone to know that recovery doesn’t happen over night, it happens over years and years or practice and therapy and medication. Recovery isn’t easy and I don’t think it’ll ever be because self destruct is much easier than keeping things together. However, keeping safe is something I am learning. Distraction methods and self soothing methods have been my main go to. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy because at first I thought what a load of bullshit distraction methods were but they work at times and I didn’t really go back from there, I’ll always rely on distraction and self sooth now because they are something that help me manage a crisis.

I am making progress it’s just hard to see, when you’ve been through so much hurt and trauma it can be hard to see any progress. I haven’t acted on urges for a while now even after experiencing another trauma. I’m still managing the thoughts of wanting to hurt myself but I am doing them in a safe way, I might not be handling them the best that I can but it’s still a lot better than I had ever done before. Okay so i’m partially lying because my urges are so strong right now but here I am using a distraction method as i write this.  Blogging is part of my distraction it’s something I started doing the night of my breakdown. The night that made me realise I wasn’t handling my traumas or emotional baggage as well as I once could.

Recovery has been so challenging but I reckon eventually all my hard work will pay off. I’ll start to notice a difference. It’s not going to be easy to recover and there’s going to be days I am going to want to quit and self destruct but I’m just not going to give up that easily no matter how strong my urges are they aren’t worth an answer to, I deserve to recover. I might relapse but nobody is perfect, relapse is a perfectly normal part of recovery and life. No one can go through life and not break and if they do then I don’t know what their secret is but I would prefer to have a life of resilience than a boring life where I don’t experience any true life lessons.


I am going to recover and no i’m not going to recover for the sake of others or for the sake of my dog. I am going to recover for myself because I rely on myself more than anyone else in this world and I deserve to at least recover for myself.



Hannah x

Wednesday, 14 August 2019

Re-starting My Blog

Restarting My Blog


I haven't blogged for a while some of you may know I was doing youtube for a while over at www.youtube.com/HannahVlogsMH which you can still find on youtube now under the name Hann Workman. 

I have decided to re-start my blog as it is something I wanted to do for a while but just haven't really got round to it and since having some extra time recently I have decided to give it another go. 

So I wanted to start with a small introductory piece, which I am going to introduce myself and explain more about myself if you are new to my page or you are just nosy and want to know more about me.

  • My name is Hannah Workman
  • I am 21 years old
  • I have ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety
  • I am in recovery for both BPD and Anxiety
  • I blog about mental health and tips on how to cope
  • I have a dog called Ellie she is a cockapoo
  • I enjoy going on long walks and being with nature
Keeping things brief for now but that was just a small introductory to my life. I hope to blog again soon when I have some ideas in mind. I hope to blog more about BPD and Anxiety and also Self Care and therapy advice. 

Thanks for reading, hope you come back soon!

Hannah x

Saturday, 1 June 2019

Mental Health Update

I haven’t blogged in months. In fact 6 months I haven’t wrote a blog post for. So here’s a mental health update for everyone.

I’m not going to lie I have been struggling a lot with anxiety and low moods. I’ve been in hospital a few times too because of being so low. I’ve had a rough time with working and I’ve not been able to cope with working.

I had my dream job, that’s what I thought anyway! Unfortunately my friends BPD and anxiety tricked me into thinking I would cope with working again and it was time to start a job again after a year off work. That wasn’t the case at all, I got to work and struggled through my first 12 hour shift and then couldn’t cope any longer, I felt so anxious and also this boredom inside of me as my dream job just didn’t work out the way I thought it was going to at all.

I’ve decided recovery is going to take a little longer than I expected, therefore I need more time off work before returning to a job. I’m currently doing the introduction to mentalization based treatment which is a therapy for borderline personality disorder. I finish this course next week I am having a review on whether I do the full programme.

I also have a medication review in the next few weeks where I’ll be discussing if I need a medication for my anxiety as my anxiety has become out of control , I am so tense all the time and can not relax at all. I’m also having my contraceptive implant out as I believe this has made my moods a lot worse than what they was originally, so I’m hoping with this I’ll have some release of emotion.

I’m also going to be attending private therapy, this is going to be hypnotherapy, which I have no expectations for as I really don’t know what to expect from this therapy, although I am hoping it will help me with my anxiety and to lead a more ‘normal’ life.

This is all for my update. Please don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel for more updates and videos to help with mental illnesses. www.youtube.com/HannahVlogsMH


Hannah xo

Wednesday, 9 January 2019

New Year, Mental Health and Goals

I haven’t really blogged for a while and mainly because I’ve been using YouTube! If you want to check me out over there please do! www.youtube.com/HannahVlogsMH

I’ve been having a bit of a bad patch as such, I was prescribed quetiapine however although it’s helping me it’s causing unpleasant side effects so it’s kind of working but also giving me increased heart rate and palpitations which aren’t so great. I was supposed to be starting a job, which I went to for 1 day and then felt too overwhelmed with the idea of being back in work, I also felt I had no motivation to be back at work.

Something I’ve come to realise recently is that just because other people are doing things doesn’t mean I have to be too. Which gets me on to my goals for 2019, I didn’t really achieve any of my goals for 2018 mainly because it took me 6 months to get under the right mental health team. It’s also taken the next 6 months of that year for me to be referred to the correct therapy place.

My goals for this year are simply to attend therapy, focus on getting on the right path and possibly finding a job. This year I want to focus on breaking the stigma even more on mental health. It means a lot to me. I have a few things in place for the end of January and February to help break stigma. My main focus is getting recovered from surgery I’m seeing a surgeon soon and will most likely be having surgery this year which is a scary thing for me well terrify actually.

I will be blogging but I must say I will mostly be trying to YouTube as I am trying to build self confidence and self esteem. I very much don’t have a self esteem so feel I’m worthy of nothing or anything which makes it hard for people around me and for myself, this year I hope things will change.

Thanks for reading, please don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel for more mental health updates and also just me being me!

Hannah x

Thursday, 13 December 2018

A Year Of Blogging

A Whole Year of Blogging


It’s been a year since I went to A&E for feeling extremely suicidal and had also self harmed. It’s been a year since I’ve chose to fight for recovery and a year since I decided to start a blog. I feel like I’ve achieved so much but at the same time so little. I’ve just been diagnosed with Folate deficiency again which is what I had a year ago so I feel like I’m back to square one with feeling extremely tired all the time and sleeping for hours on end. 

Within the year of blogging I’ve spoke to some lovely people who also have mental illnesses. I appreciate those people a lot. I’ve also attended some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Soon I’m going to be attending an assessment for DBT/MBT (dialectical behavioural therapy or mentalization based therapy). I’m not sure which is going to be best for me yet but I am looking forward to gaining more skills.

This year I have seen so much of the mental health team and I am now under a new mental health team that is designed for longer term support. I’ve been under this team since August after my previous mental health team decided I would benefit from longer term support and I am really happy to have been put under the new mental health team as I am finding it a lot more beneficial.

I do feel a lot better compare to last year when I was in A&E, in fact it’s been 50 days since I last self harmed, although I still have the anaemia like last year I do feel a lot more positive about getting things done. I start a new job next week and I’m super excited to be earning money again and to be back in the career setting that I love. I’m hoping eventually I’ll be able to go back to the NHS but for now I’m happy with the job I’ve managed to obtain.

This year has definitely made me a lot more confident in myself and asking for the help that I need. It’s also made me realise how lucky I am to have such supportive people around me and I’m forever grateful for them in my life.

I’m really looking forward to starting my new therapy though as I feel it’s going to help me so much especially with the emotional dysregulation side of things.

Thanks for reading

Hannah x

Monday, 19 November 2018

A Mental Health Update

My Little Update


Recently my mental health has been reasonably stable and I’ve been learning to manage things differently. I’ve been attending my pre-pre therapy appointments just before the referral process of going on to do DBT therapy. I’ve been opening up a lot about personal life to my CPN and it has been helping me a lot, I hadn’t really spoke about somethings in my life expect for those who know my in complete detail. It’s really helped me to realise a lot of my problems are external to me and things that are out of my control, I’ve also learnt that I am still struggling with sleeping at regular times. 

I’ve been offered a job 2 weeks ago, I’m hoping to get my start date this week although I am a little worried they’ll do the same as a previous job and take into account my previous job sicknesses due to choosing recovery from physical and mental health. Last year and the start of this year have been a lot to take in. I started off this year with folic acid deficiency, borderline underactive thyroid and high white blood count, as well as taking a complete dip in my mood I was at an all low. I’ve managed to stabilise my physical health as much as possible now despite now getting a diagnosis of gallstones but I can’t do much about that until I see the surgeon to see what the next step is. As for my mental health although it’s been really tough and I do still need to work on feeling a little better, I am in a lot more stable place. I’ve been self harm free for almost a month now and it’s starting to make me realise there are so many more healthier ways to resolve my thoughts and feelings. It definitely is tough but it is so worth it knowing I won’t have the regret feeling of self harm. 

I’m currently waiting to see the psychiatric for the second time to discuss if medication is a good idea again or not. Recently I’ve been so undecided whether I want medication or not because I feel a lot better in myself but I don’t feel completely better I still feel like I lack motivation and just can’t seem to find it within myself to get back to doing things I once enjoyed. It’s something I need to discuss further with them as one hour wasn’t enough to make a decision. 

I’m still unsure about blogging as I feel there is way too much competition in the blogging community now whereas before everyone used to be supportive, it’s very much everyone is against each other to be the best blogger and I just hate the vibe. If I do blog it’s going to just be an update to share how therapy is going or when I start my job or if anything exciting happens in life. 

Also want to say thank you to anyone who does still read my blog, you’re amazing and thank you for supporting me. 


Hannah x

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