Friday, 7 August 2020

Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder

 A lot of you who follow me on social media will know my main journey is recovery and focusing on they recovery of borderline personality disorder as well as trauma. I haven’t posted a blog post in ages mainly due to feeling like I just don’t have much to say anymore. I also experience a lot of brain fog so find it hard to write effectively. I also just found I didn’t have the energy for blogging.

My recovery journey started back in 2017 and undiagnosed borderline personality disorder until I was later diagnosed in March 2019 although previously diagnosed with traits of BPD for a year previously and before that with emotional dysregulation. I always struggled with a lot of things some down to being neurodivergent living with ADHD on top of a personality disorder and an anxiety disorder it was always quite hard to know what was what. In fact processionals I have worked with didn’t have a clue, I had a lot of diagnosis's thrown my way but since working with my therapist I’ve realised I don’t require any label to myself and in all honesty it doesn’t overly matter to me what my diagnosis are anymore as long as I can work on managing my symptoms with therapy that I am receiving that’s all that matters. Of course therapy won’t fix every symptom I have of the ADHD side of things but it has helped me to stop being impulsive and it has helped me learn to communicate more effectively and it has taught me skills that I never knew existed. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy really has saved me in ways I didn’t think therapy could. 

I’ve had some form of therapy or counselling on and off since I was 13 in fact the amount of people I’ve worked with I can’t even count on my hands. I’m grateful for everyone who has helped me in some way whether thats helped me through a crisis, through trauma, teaching me skills, helping me to learn about myself or whether it’s just been someone to chat to. Since working with my therapist in October of 2019 I have made some huge progress with my recovery. I’ve really got to know myself and really got to know how to work on myself and learn relevant skills to improve myself and my life for of course myself and for the people in my life. Ending up in the crisis house in November and December was a serious dark time that I didn’t think I’d make it through but I did, I survived and it made me work even harder at learning skills to make peace with myself and help me love myself more and protect myself.  Since March this year I came off my antipsychotic and have been completely off psychiatric medication apart from the odd diazepam or promethazine which I barely touch. Medication helped me when I needed it but overall I feel better now I’m off it, this isn’t the case for everyone but for me it just is.

I’ve still got a long way to go in my journey with borderline personality disorder but life is a lot lighter again now it’s a lot more pleasurable and enjoyable. It’s not as scary anymore and I feel like I’m finding my feet again as such, it’s like I can finally breathe again after feeling trapped out at sea in a storm. It’s a journey though something I will actively work on for my entire life, there is no final recovery destination it’s just a continuous journey throughout life.  Some days will be better than others that’s just life. 

Hannah x

Friday, 21 February 2020

Trauma

Trauma is something I was ashamed of for years because I just didn't know how to process it. I was worried what others will think of me if they found out about my traumas. I was worried that if people found out about me going through certain traumas I have been through they would think I was weak and that I was not at all resilient.

In fact I believe trauma has made me stronger and more resilient, after years of thinking I was weak and unable to be resilient, I've realised how much trauma has bought me to learn more skills than I probably would have if I hadn't have gone through trauma.

I suppressed my traumas for years, I have had multiple traumas happen to me and I suppressed all of them. My last trauma was 2014, I suppressed my traumas for 3 nearly 4 years and it all came out, even though I was never stable mentally I had always had symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) from my first trauma back in 2011. However I was only 13, BPD isn't officially allowed to be diagnosed until you are 18. It wasn't until December 2017 I really started to notice my symptoms severely, the self harm the suicidal ideation and perfectionism and black and white thinking really took its cause, I was working as a healthcare assistant for the NHS doing my dream job. I started getting worse lots of time off work and I became embarrassed and I started to hide self harm by just not even going to work, it took a toll and I ended up in A&E December 2017. My breakdown which never properly ended it was more of a breakthrough because this was when I finally reached out for mental health support. It took until June 2018 to get that help when I was referred to the recovery team. That's when my real recovery began, September of 2018, I still remain under the team now and attend therapy now for managing BPD and trauma. I will eventually be going on to doing trauma therapy once I have done dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) for 18 months to 2 years.

Trauma can affect everyone differently but for me I chose to suppress it and keep quiet. When I finally started to talk about it I was told I was making it up by people who hardly even knew me, or who just made up lies about me.

I am strong and resilient because I have learnt to be and I am still learning to be, it will never be perfect and recovery is a life long journey that I will ever be thankful for.


Hannah x

Wednesday, 12 February 2020

Feeling Lost

I’m feeling pretty lost at the moment with regards to recovery. I feel like I’ve entered a dead end with no escape. I’m half recovered but not fully at the recovery mark I was hoping for. I’m definitely regulating my emotions more and learning what overwhelms me and what triggers me. Turns out a lot of things trigger me that are kind of easy to get away from. Social media has been a big trigger for me so I took a brief break or a break altogether from certain social media. I’ve deleted Facebook and Messenger. I’ve stopped looking at my recovery Instagram. I’ve made a private Instagram for only positivity and I stopped using Twitter as much. However, since coming back to social media I’ve noticed I’ve really lost the community vibe. I almost feel like I don’t exist or that I’m an alien. Maybe it’s just BPD messing with me and I need to check the facts ( A DBT Skill)!

I’m currently doing DBT and it’s helping me loads it’s one of the reasons I took a break from social media in the first place because I was really working on me and I finally felt like my problems were being solved slowly. I’m still stuck in this rut though where I’m not fully recovered but also not exactly in a relapse/crisis. I actually managed a full moon for once without hitting a crisis!! I always had a relapse the same time as it was a full moon, however I’ve recently learnt so much about myself that I’m no longer in constant crisis. I’m not longer relapsing every couple of weeks. In fact it’s been 100 days since I last self harmed. It’s been 73 days since a suicide attempt. I’m not perfect. I’m still having difficult days. I still have a lot to work on. I have skills from DBT now though which are helping me loads. I’m thinking of doing a blog post or even a Youtube video on the skills I’ve learnt to share with others/you guys!

I can’t believe it’s 2 years and 2 months since I started this blog. It’s really helped me. It went from being my daily journal to blogging updates every couple of months to not much. However it’s not stopped me from sharing as I was doing Youtube for a while. I’m hoping to get back into blogging now and actually do regular updates on recovery and how I’m doing. I might even get back into an occasional Youtube video.

Anyway this was just an update on how I’m feeling about social media and feeling stuck in recovery. I’m sure eventually I will move away from this stuck period and become unstuck. I’m ready to thrive and not just survive.

Hannah x

Friday, 20 December 2019

Crisis House Admission

As most of you will probably already know I am in a crisis house for over Christmas. I’m focusing on recovery actively 24/7 whilst being in here, it’s exhausting. I am finding it really tough this time of the year to cope with everything I have been through recently. I’m so tired of recovery. I know I’ll carry on trying to recover but it’s just so hard having to focus on it all the time.

What it’s like in a crisis house, so basically to start with it's a pretty peaceful place to be, pretty quiet during the day and also the night. The evenings are full of activities and everyone is about. During the night and day everyone is either asleep or they’ve gone out. We are allowed out until 10pm but must be back by then. There’s always two members of staff on. We have support sessions every now and again focusing on areas we need work on. For mine it’s assertiveness and dealing with suicidal thoughts. We have to cook our own food although occasionally there’s food for us in the house but we have to buy our own food in. We have a fridge in our rooms and a single bed and 2 chairs and a sink. You know the basics. It’s not as safe as being in a hospital setting. However it does help build confidence and independence for looking after myself in the community.  I feel a bit like I am in limbo being in the crisis house, it’s not quite being at home but it’s not as full on as being in hospital.

On bad days it’s really hard to be in the crisis house, welfare checks are done 3 times a day everyday. Which isn’t as many as what I thought it would be but definitely can be helpful on the bad days. It’s nice not to be completely alone. It’s nice to have the company of others who are also in crisis. It’s also nice to have staff who are supportive.

I’ve been in here a week tomorrow, it’s gone so quickly. I can’t wait for Christmas day to have home leave for the night. That’s a good thing about the crisis house too, you can choose when you take home leave. I feel like I’m definitely getting something out of being in the crisis house even if it’s just friends that I’ve made here from my first visit back in November or my current visit. I’ve also been reading since being in here and I’m reading a book about borderline personality disorder and trauma. It’s really helping me connect in life reading this book.

Anyway this is just how it’s going so far and what it’s like being in a crisis house.

Hannah x

Tuesday, 3 December 2019

Dear Future Self / After Suicide Attempt

Dear Future Self,

You are loved, you are cared about, you are so important and unique. You deserve more than anything to be alive and living. You are such a special soul who deserves to see what her future holds for her. You never know what you’ll achieve in the future if you aren’t alive for it. Keep going through this hard time, pain doesn’t last forever. You will pull through. You will promise me. We’ve got to keep going because we deserve to be here. We deserve a happy future for ourself.  There’s so many people rooting you on to be that happy person. Keep going you can get through this one night or day. This too shall pass. You will make it through I promise you, you deserve nothing but the best for yourself. You are such a strong women one day you’ll look back at your struggles and smile at how bloody strong you really are. Keep going to see what future self brings you because you deserve to find out the answers to your future. The world is yours to take on. Do what makes you happy. Keep going through even the worst times of your life because this too shall pass and you will eventually feel better. I promise you. I have so much love for you because you deserve all the love in the world. You deserve to feel loved and you deserve to be at your best. So keep going. Don’t give in yet it’ll will all be worth the wait, I promise. Everything will fall into place.

Hannah x

Sunday, 17 November 2019

Recovery

I’m so ready to recover. I’m struggling. I didn’t think I would admit it that me the strong would admit to being so broken and alone. I thought I would be better by now, I haven’t been the same since my breakdown in 2017, i can’t remember the exact date anymore but it was December I think the 13th. I thought I would come back from that well I never did and I don’t know if I ever will. Recovery hasn’t been easy and I am not sure i’ve even made much progress.


I thought I’d be in a better place by now, but I am not. I didn’t realise how slow a progress recovery really is and that’s something I want everyone to know that recovery doesn’t happen over night, it happens over years and years or practice and therapy and medication. Recovery isn’t easy and I don’t think it’ll ever be because self destruct is much easier than keeping things together. However, keeping safe is something I am learning. Distraction methods and self soothing methods have been my main go to. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy because at first I thought what a load of bullshit distraction methods were but they work at times and I didn’t really go back from there, I’ll always rely on distraction and self sooth now because they are something that help me manage a crisis.

I am making progress it’s just hard to see, when you’ve been through so much hurt and trauma it can be hard to see any progress. I haven’t acted on urges for a while now even after experiencing another trauma. I’m still managing the thoughts of wanting to hurt myself but I am doing them in a safe way, I might not be handling them the best that I can but it’s still a lot better than I had ever done before. Okay so i’m partially lying because my urges are so strong right now but here I am using a distraction method as i write this.  Blogging is part of my distraction it’s something I started doing the night of my breakdown. The night that made me realise I wasn’t handling my traumas or emotional baggage as well as I once could.

Recovery has been so challenging but I reckon eventually all my hard work will pay off. I’ll start to notice a difference. It’s not going to be easy to recover and there’s going to be days I am going to want to quit and self destruct but I’m just not going to give up that easily no matter how strong my urges are they aren’t worth an answer to, I deserve to recover. I might relapse but nobody is perfect, relapse is a perfectly normal part of recovery and life. No one can go through life and not break and if they do then I don’t know what their secret is but I would prefer to have a life of resilience than a boring life where I don’t experience any true life lessons.


I am going to recover and no i’m not going to recover for the sake of others or for the sake of my dog. I am going to recover for myself because I rely on myself more than anyone else in this world and I deserve to at least recover for myself.



Hannah x

Wednesday, 14 August 2019

Re-starting My Blog

Restarting My Blog


I haven't blogged for a while some of you may know I was doing youtube for a while over at www.youtube.com/HannahVlogsMH which you can still find on youtube now under the name Hann Workman. 

I have decided to re-start my blog as it is something I wanted to do for a while but just haven't really got round to it and since having some extra time recently I have decided to give it another go. 

So I wanted to start with a small introductory piece, which I am going to introduce myself and explain more about myself if you are new to my page or you are just nosy and want to know more about me.

  • My name is Hannah Workman
  • I am 21 years old
  • I have ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety
  • I am in recovery for both BPD and Anxiety
  • I blog about mental health and tips on how to cope
  • I have a dog called Ellie she is a cockapoo
  • I enjoy going on long walks and being with nature
Keeping things brief for now but that was just a small introductory to my life. I hope to blog again soon when I have some ideas in mind. I hope to blog more about BPD and Anxiety and also Self Care and therapy advice. 

Thanks for reading, hope you come back soon!

Hannah x

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