Wednesday, 9 January 2019

New Year, Mental Health and Goals

I haven’t really blogged for a while and mainly because I’ve been using YouTube! If you want to check me out over there please do!

I’ve been having a bit of a bad patch as such, I was prescribed quetiapine however although it’s helping me it’s causing unpleasant side effects so it’s kind of working but also giving me increased heart rate and palpitations which aren’t so great. I was supposed to be starting a job, which I went to for 1 day and then felt too overwhelmed with the idea of being back in work, I also felt I had no motivation to be back at work.

Something I’ve come to realise recently is that just because other people are doing things doesn’t mean I have to be too. Which gets me on to my goals for 2019, I didn’t really achieve any of my goals for 2018 mainly because it took me 6 months to get under the right mental health team. It’s also taken the next 6 months of that year for me to be referred to the correct therapy place.

My goals for this year are simply to attend therapy, focus on getting on the right path and possibly finding a job. This year I want to focus on breaking the stigma even more on mental health. It means a lot to me. I have a few things in place for the end of January and February to help break stigma. My main focus is getting recovered from surgery I’m seeing a surgeon soon and will most likely be having surgery this year which is a scary thing for me well terrify actually.

I will be blogging but I must say I will mostly be trying to YouTube as I am trying to build self confidence and self esteem. I very much don’t have a self esteem so feel I’m worthy of nothing or anything which makes it hard for people around me and for myself, this year I hope things will change.

Thanks for reading, please don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel for more mental health updates and also just me being me!

Hannah x

Thursday, 13 December 2018

A Year Of Blogging

A Whole Year of Blogging

It’s been a year since I went to A&E for feeling extremely suicidal and had also self harmed. It’s been a year since I’ve chose to fight for recovery and a year since I decided to start a blog. I feel like I’ve achieved so much but at the same time so little. I’ve just been diagnosed with Folate deficiency again which is what I had a year ago so I feel like I’m back to square one with feeling extremely tired all the time and sleeping for hours on end. 

Within the year of blogging I’ve spoke to some lovely people who also have mental illnesses. I appreciate those people a lot. I’ve also attended some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Soon I’m going to be attending an assessment for DBT/MBT (dialectical behavioural therapy or mentalization based therapy). I’m not sure which is going to be best for me yet but I am looking forward to gaining more skills.

This year I have seen so much of the mental health team and I am now under a new mental health team that is designed for longer term support. I’ve been under this team since August after my previous mental health team decided I would benefit from longer term support and I am really happy to have been put under the new mental health team as I am finding it a lot more beneficial.

I do feel a lot better compare to last year when I was in A&E, in fact it’s been 50 days since I last self harmed, although I still have the anaemia like last year I do feel a lot more positive about getting things done. I start a new job next week and I’m super excited to be earning money again and to be back in the career setting that I love. I’m hoping eventually I’ll be able to go back to the NHS but for now I’m happy with the job I’ve managed to obtain.

This year has definitely made me a lot more confident in myself and asking for the help that I need. It’s also made me realise how lucky I am to have such supportive people around me and I’m forever grateful for them in my life.

I’m really looking forward to starting my new therapy though as I feel it’s going to help me so much especially with the emotional dysregulation side of things.

Thanks for reading

Hannah x

Monday, 19 November 2018

A Mental Health Update

My Little Update

Recently my mental health has been reasonably stable and I’ve been learning to manage things differently. I’ve been attending my pre-pre therapy appointments just before the referral process of going on to do DBT therapy. I’ve been opening up a lot about personal life to my CPN and it has been helping me a lot, I hadn’t really spoke about somethings in my life expect for those who know my in complete detail. It’s really helped me to realise a lot of my problems are external to me and things that are out of my control, I’ve also learnt that I am still struggling with sleeping at regular times. 

I’ve been offered a job 2 weeks ago, I’m hoping to get my start date this week although I am a little worried they’ll do the same as a previous job and take into account my previous job sicknesses due to choosing recovery from physical and mental health. Last year and the start of this year have been a lot to take in. I started off this year with folic acid deficiency, borderline underactive thyroid and high white blood count, as well as taking a complete dip in my mood I was at an all low. I’ve managed to stabilise my physical health as much as possible now despite now getting a diagnosis of gallstones but I can’t do much about that until I see the surgeon to see what the next step is. As for my mental health although it’s been really tough and I do still need to work on feeling a little better, I am in a lot more stable place. I’ve been self harm free for almost a month now and it’s starting to make me realise there are so many more healthier ways to resolve my thoughts and feelings. It definitely is tough but it is so worth it knowing I won’t have the regret feeling of self harm. 

I’m currently waiting to see the psychiatric for the second time to discuss if medication is a good idea again or not. Recently I’ve been so undecided whether I want medication or not because I feel a lot better in myself but I don’t feel completely better I still feel like I lack motivation and just can’t seem to find it within myself to get back to doing things I once enjoyed. It’s something I need to discuss further with them as one hour wasn’t enough to make a decision. 

I’m still unsure about blogging as I feel there is way too much competition in the blogging community now whereas before everyone used to be supportive, it’s very much everyone is against each other to be the best blogger and I just hate the vibe. If I do blog it’s going to just be an update to share how therapy is going or when I start my job or if anything exciting happens in life. 

Also want to say thank you to anyone who does still read my blog, you’re amazing and thank you for supporting me. 

Hannah x

Saturday, 3 November 2018

Why I Haven’t Been Blogging

Reasons behind why I haven't blogged...

I haven't blogged for over 3 weeks now, I haven't felt like it really and there are 2 main reasons why I haven't. 

The first reason to me not blogging is because I am focusing a lot more on looking after myself mentally and it is taking me a lot of my time to do so. I also have felt lost with my mental health as I thought I had a diagnosis of BPD (borderline personality disorder) which I have found out I don't. I feel a fraud because I don't have a single diagnosis of mental health, I just have traits of multiple mental health conditions. I feel like making up my own diagnosis, for example listing all my traits and calling it something unique. I feel unable to blog about my mental health as much because of not having a single diagnosis. I also have been doing a lot of prep ready to attend therapy, I have a book especially for DBT (dialectal behaviour therapy) which has been helping me a lot now. I am still struggling but as bad as I was when I first originally started my blog.

The second reason I haven't been blogging is because I feel like there has been no support on my blog and not much support from social media. I feel like a forgotten blogging and with that I feel like a failed blogger. I know I should just blog for fun and because I like it but when I used to get so much appreciation and support on my blog to literally half the amount it really is upsetting to see. I am trying my best to blog but the last few posts seem to just be getting less and less support so I feel like I am invisible. 

I definitely don't want to stop blogging and I do enjoy blogging! I am so glad I picked it up when I decided to look for something new to aid my recovery as it really has helped me to find some amazing support out there which I didn't know even existed. I would love to start positing more blog posts which aid my self care and a few travel and beauty posts. I've always blogging mental health but I am starting to think about this as an idea as I do use a lot of bath and beauty products. 

Thanks for reading, it means a lot 

Hannah x

Friday, 12 October 2018

Mental Health and Work

Mental Health and Finding Work

For the past 5 months I have been looking for work, with that I have been struggling to find work. I’ve actually lost count at the amount of jobs I’ve applied for.

I’ve been to so many interviews in that time as well, I never ended up hearing back from half of them. Which I find really rude that they just don’t get back.

I did actually start a job but unfortunately it didn’t work out for me, the environment made me extremely uncomfortable and stressed. This lead me to leave the same day I started. Some jobs just aren’t great for mental health.

I then went for an interview/asssessment day at my dream job, it was about 5 hours long. I got the job they offered me it and I signed the contract and everything. After a month of waiting to start, suddenly I was declined a job because of previous time off for mental health. I’m 99% sure this is discrimination but I have no idea how to go about it so I’m just letting them win this.

Since this has happened I’ve lost a lot of confidence to work, I feel like I will be continuously hit the same dead end. I feel I will experience this discrimination all over again. I was supposed to go for an interview at my previous job but they said that I had HR issues which I never, it really annoyed me but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

I am really nervous about going for jobs again now, I have so much built up stress and anxiety. I’ve had interviews but some I’ve not managed to get myself to because I’ve just been way too anxious and worked myself up.

The fact I am 20 years old and feel like I’ve been forced into not being able to work again really upsets me. I can’t afford not to work I need a job. I literally have no clue what I am going to do anymore. I have started working with a vocational worker though so I’m hoping that will help me.

People with mental illnesses still have a life, they still need to feed themselves and pay bills. We are still human, we still have feelings and emotions. We deserve to work just as much as someone who hasn’t got a mental illlness. Everyone has mental health and everyone has physical health. We all deserve equal opportunities and not to be judged on our past.

Thanks for reading.

Hannah x

Monday, 1 October 2018

Mental Health Crisis

Mental Health Crisis

TW- Detachment/Suicidal thoughts (first paragraph)

I am currently in the middle of a mental health crisis. I don’t even know how to cope right now   This has been going on for a couple days now, I feel so lost. I’ve completely detached myself now, I’m in a complete dissociative state. I don’t even know how to cope I’m completely out of it. I want it all to end,  I want to disappear.

I have been going through a crisis for a while mainly due to stress of no money and no job. I am really in need of getting a job as soon as possible to feel stable. I was recently supposed to start my dream job and since they have seen my reference about having time off for mental health they have decided to take back my offer. This has really upset me and caused me a lot of stress due to needing money and mainly a routine and sleep pattern.

Unfortunately this all happened Friday afternoon, not leaving me anytime to get any more job interviews. This is why I ended up feeling extremely distressed and out of control all weekend, having no clue about what to do with myself. It was extremely difficult for me to relax all weekend.

Finally it was Monday, I finally felt a little more back in control as I had access to finding jobs and being able to ring up to book interviews. Which I have finally got an interview for one job which is actually my old job. I am looking forward to this as the only reason I left last time was because of the shift patterns.

I am finally looking up after over 48 hours in a crisis. I feel able to get on and find myself a job. Hopefully soon I will be earning money.

Hannah x

Wednesday, 26 September 2018

Mental Health Update

I thought today I would type up an update about my mental health and how I have been getting on since coming off antidepressants and attending my new appointments.

It’s been about 3 months since I first started weaning off my antidepressants and at first it was really difficult, the brain zaps were horrible. I was suffering from antidepressant withdrawal syndrome (an actual thing). It was really tough but after a month or so it became easier. I was supposed to take mirtazapine just after I started coming off Duloxetine but it was the worst tablet I’ve ever taken, I was a complete zombie. I’d say I’m now 2 months without antidepressants and I feel a lot better in myself in some ways but overall I don’t really notice much change, I believe this is because antidepressants aren’t designed to treat BPD so it just didn’t help me.

I’ve bwen attending my recovery team appointments for my new mental health team, they’re secondary care. I’ve only had two appointments so far but at first I wasn’t too sure how I felt about it, I just felt like I was back to square one again not sure how to recover. My second appointment we spoke about making a crisis plan, something I’ve done before but this time a lot more in depth one. We also spoke about my sleep pattern, she’s hopefully going to get one of the doctors to try me on some sleep tablets as required to help me get some decent sleep. Recently I’ve been going without sleep a lot, the worst being 30 hours awake. I’m hoping they’ll help me when I’m really struggling but hopefully not make me too drowsy when I wake up.

I’m stressed out quite a bit at the moment because I still haven’t got a start date for my job. I’m really struggling money wise as well, Job seekers doesn’t really cut all my bills and it sucks. I can’t wait to start working again, my mental health team are getting me vocational help to make sure this time I get the correct support to stay in work despite my mental health.

Some of you may already know as well that I’ve set up a YouTube account. The reason behind this is to build my confidence back up, I had it knocked a lot during school and college and never really built it back up since. This is kind of my chance to try and change that back! Here’s the link if you want to check it out and support me!

I think this just about covers my update really. I’m looking forward to more appointments with my recovery team, it seems I will be staying of medication. Although I am beginning to hallucinate so I am a little worried. Hopefully the next time I post I’ll have started work or at least got a start date!

Hannah x

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