Friday, 27 July 2018

Upcoming Therapy

<img src="image.png" alt="">After being diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder (BPD) I have been referred for some in depth therapy. I will be starting with CBT in stress and low mood management which I have had some experience with before so it won't be completely new. However, following that will be some more in depth therapy DBT which in all honesty hasn't be explained to me in much detail yet as I am still waiting for my medication review meeting and to discuss the therapy in more detail.

The CBT will help me to prepare for the DBT which sounds completely strange how you have to have therapy to prepare you for therapy. It hopefully won't be too long a wait for the CBT to start but I haven't been told in detail what the waiting time is like for it, I am just going by the usual waiting time for when I have had CBT in the past.

Unfortunately I know the DBT won't be happening until at least January which does suck quite a bit. I do however have a DBT book at home which is especially for girls with BPD, this book is by Debbie Corso it is called Stronger than BPD. I have also just bought her journal which follows from Stronger than BPD. I am hoping to get the most out of therapy as I can to help me with recovery.

Hannah x

Saturday, 21 July 2018

How I've Been Feeling

How I've Been Feeling

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Most of you will know I have been feeling really awful over the last couple of days due to my relationship, a lot of you have been so lovely and supportive to me and I am so thankful! I have actually got back with my boyfriend after a long chat and many tears between the pair of us we are much more happy and stable. I adore him so much and I know he has been struggling himself with his mental health, we have both agreed to be more open about how we are feeling.

I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and self harm, which the crisis team were absolutely horrible about and just asked what do I want. That wasn't easy for me to cope with of course but I have been a lot better now me and my boyfriend are okay. 

I am still waiting for my medication review but I have news that I will be attending therapy to prepare me for more therapy (DBT) which sounds funny to have to prepare for therapy in my opinion. 

I have been feeling pretty bored of not being able to be as active as normal as having my operation on my toes means I am not allowed to over do it until they heal properly which sucks so much. Hopefully they will be healed soon!

Overall I have been having a really tough time the last couple of weeks but I am hoping things are much brighter.

Hannah x

Friday, 13 July 2018

How I've Been Getting On

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How I Have Been Getting On

Hey guys, how are you? So as most of you who read my blog you will probably have an understanding that I post every now and again about my recovery and how I am getting on.

So how have I been getting on? Well it's been a bit mixed within the last few weeks, as most of you will know I have been diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) which I am still waiting for a review appointment which will be the 3rd August. So as I am still under the care of my community mental health team, which by the way this has been the longest time I have been under their care as normally they review me then discharge straight away. I am looking forward to my medication review as I've been trying to come of my duloxetine but failing miserably due to the withdrawal symptom of brain zaps! Has anyone ever experienced brain zaps and managed to get rid of them?

As I said the last few weeks have been pretty mixed, I am lucky enough to be able to use the crisis team my community mental health team provide, unfortunately once I am discharged I won't be able to use this again. I've had a few occasions where I have had to ring them but I have been doing so well with self harm, I have been clean from self harm for around 3 weeks, maybe a little longer. My main problem has been dissociation which I am hoping in my review meeting we can discuss what might help me. 

I am currently very bored and pretty much bed rest whilst I let my toes heal from having a minor operation to remove 2 ingrown toe nails. They are very bruised and also time consuming having to do dressings everyday until they heal which can take 4-6 weeks, I am never going to want to do a dressing again. I am also still looking for work which feels like I have been doing for months now but it has only been 2 months and in all honesty I don't feel 100% ready to go back to work until I know I have a plan in place for my mental health.

I guess that is all for now! 

Hannah x

Sunday, 1 July 2018

To Be Dissociated

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Feeling dissociated is one of the worst things I deal with in my opinion. It's like you are alive but not living, like nothing is real, emotions are shut off, nothing at all makes any sense.

Dissociation is watching everyone else carry on with life whilst you feel like you aren't even there, it's like being dead but still being alive. It's the lack of care for emotions in the moment. Having no clue how you are alive. It's scary but sometimes relieving at the same time to be dissociated, it's shut down from all feelings and emotions but it's also not reality, which is distressing.

Coming back around from being dissociated is probably the worst part, there are way too many emotions to cope with from not having to cope with them for either a couple of hours or days. It's also being told stories about what you have done whilst dissociated that literally you can't even remember happening.

Dissociation can happen after having a triggering experience, it can be a coping mechanism. Shutting down from feeling and emotions, sometimes it's easier for people to not feel at all for a while.

Dissociation is distressing, it is being alive but not living it is absolute hell. It is emotionless and emotional all at the same time.

Hannah x 

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