BPD How it Affects Me
Impulsivity is another symptom of BPD that affects me, when having an episode I normally act on impulse I normally won’t mean what I do or say but it happens and I will always regret it. I am not a bad person for this despite what people might say, I don’t have the coping mechanisms to control the impulse. My impulse normally is getting into arguments, self harming, spending money ( I don’t have) and walking off on my own (which leads to my next symptom)
Dissociation is something I do often, at first it was totally normal and wouldn’t really bother me much as it was just a coping mechanism to shut off my emotions and feelings so it was totally easy for me. Dissociation now is very stressful because although I know I’m doing it I also don’t have the control to stop myself from doing it. Dissociation for me is an out of body feeling, like I don’t exist when I do. It affects me a lot and when dissociating I find it hard to talk to anyone, when working if I was dissociated before starting work it meant I couldn’t go to work and I wouldn’t be able to ring up to explain I was ill either because of being dissociated. It is one of my harder symptoms to deal with and it’s one I hope I’ll get the most help with.
Self imagine / identity is another thing that affects me, I never really have a true belief of who I am nor who I’ll ever be. I don’t feel I have a typical everyday identity. I find I drift between different types of identity making it really hard for me to feel like I fit into a crowd of friends.
Paranoid, I never really thought this was me too much but now I look back at times when I’ve had panic attacks or have been paranoid it’s been quite a few occasions. It affects me quite a bit and is something I have never spoke to anyone about because I’m paranoid about being judged. It’s not all the time but sometimes I am paranoid that someone has poisoned my drink or food (to kill me), I get extremely worried about carbon monoxide leak in my house, sometimes I see random people in the street and think they are going to kill me/ stab me. I never even realised that it affects me until I look back at thoughts when I feel stable and think why would I even think that, but I do.
BPD affects my relationships a lot, I try my best and honestly I have the most understanding boyfriend and family and I get that at times they must be so frustrated with me for having sudden outbursts of emotions when I was perfectly okay just 2 minutes ago but I think they’re slowly learning to understand it from my point of view. It also affects my ability to work as I mentioned earlier as the dissociation can mean I’m unreliable at times. It can be completey draining and some days I just stay in bed and binge eat chocolate, self care is more important than putting everything else first.
I hope this gives you some understanding of how BPD affects me, of course there is probably more of it that affects me but it would be like a book instead of a blog post so I'll stop here.