Saturday, 14 July 2018

How BPD Affects Me


BPD How it Affects Me

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BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) affects me emotionally and physically. Emotionally I find it hard to control my emotions and my emotions are always very extreme. I find coping with my thoughts really intense and hard and that nobody around me understands what I am experiencing. BPD makes me very hard to read I believe as I’m very black and white, I either love or hate someone which it can be that same someone. One day I will absolutely love my boyfriend and think he is amazing other days I despise him and don’t want him anywhere near me. People often say people with BPD are like patients with third degree burns all over their body, I agree with this because something so small can cause me to trigger and send me absolutely spiralling into what I now refer to as my crisis/psychotic episodes. Something so small can bother me that literally won’t even matter to me the next day and after I’ve had the episode it’s like I know everyone thinks I’ve over reacted but at the time I have no control of what is going on in my head, my head is empty but with rage and sadness and normally suicidal thoughts. 


Impulsivity is another symptom of BPD that affects me, when having an episode I normally act on impulse I normally won’t mean what I do or say but it happens and I will always regret it. I am not a bad person for this despite what people might say, I don’t have the coping mechanisms to control the impulse. My impulse normally is getting into arguments, self harming, spending money ( I don’t have) and walking off on my own (which leads to my next symptom)

Dissociation is something I do often, at first it was totally normal and wouldn’t really bother me much as it was just a coping mechanism to shut off my emotions and feelings so it was totally easy for me. Dissociation now is very stressful because although I know I’m doing it I also don’t have the control to stop myself from doing it. Dissociation for me is an out of body feeling, like I don’t exist when I do. It affects me a lot and when dissociating I find it hard to talk to anyone, when working if I was dissociated before starting work it meant I couldn’t go to work and I wouldn’t be able to ring up to explain I was ill either because of being dissociated. It is one of my harder symptoms to deal with and it’s one I hope I’ll get the most help with.

Self imagine / identity is another thing that affects me, I never really have a true belief of who I am nor who I’ll ever be. I don’t feel I have a typical everyday identity. I find I drift between different types of identity making it really hard for me to feel like I fit into a crowd of friends.

Paranoid, I never really thought this was me too much but now I look back at times when I’ve had panic attacks or have been paranoid it’s been quite a few occasions. It affects me quite a bit and is something I have never spoke to anyone about because I’m paranoid about being judged. It’s not all the time but sometimes I am paranoid that someone has poisoned my drink or food (to kill me), I get extremely worried about carbon monoxide leak in my house, sometimes I see random people in the street and think they are going to kill me/ stab me.  I never even realised that it affects me until I look back at thoughts when I feel stable and think why would I even think that, but I do.

BPD affects my relationships a lot, I try my best and honestly I have the most understanding boyfriend and family and I get that at times they must be so frustrated with me for having sudden outbursts of emotions when I was perfectly okay just 2 minutes ago but I think they’re slowly learning to understand it from my point of view. It also affects my ability to work as I mentioned earlier as the dissociation can mean I’m unreliable at times. It can be completey draining and some days I just stay in bed and binge eat chocolate,  self care is more important than putting everything else first.

I hope this gives you some understanding of how BPD affects me, of course there is probably more of it that affects me but it would be like a book instead of a blog post so I'll stop here.

Hannah x

2 comments:

  1. I really love that you are able to realise that you behave in extremes. I have a close family member that suffers from a personality disorder, and I know how traumatic and some times emotionally exhausting it can be on her as well as our family. But acceptance is step 1 and I think you're doing a great job dealing with your emotions and expressing them with your writing. Keep sharing! And stay strong! :)

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    1. Thank you so much, it can definitely be hard but I feel like I am coping well at the moment. I will keep blogging my experiences!

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