Friday, 21 February 2020

Trauma

Trauma is something I was ashamed of for years because I just didn't know how to process it. I was worried what others will think of me if they found out about my traumas. I was worried that if people found out about me going through certain traumas I have been through they would think I was weak and that I was not at all resilient.

In fact I believe trauma has made me stronger and more resilient, after years of thinking I was weak and unable to be resilient, I've realised how much trauma has bought me to learn more skills than I probably would have if I hadn't have gone through trauma.

I suppressed my traumas for years, I have had multiple traumas happen to me and I suppressed all of them. My last trauma was 2014, I suppressed my traumas for 3 nearly 4 years and it all came out, even though I was never stable mentally I had always had symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) from my first trauma back in 2011. However I was only 13, BPD isn't officially allowed to be diagnosed until you are 18. It wasn't until December 2017 I really started to notice my symptoms severely, the self harm the suicidal ideation and perfectionism and black and white thinking really took its cause, I was working as a healthcare assistant for the NHS doing my dream job. I started getting worse lots of time off work and I became embarrassed and I started to hide self harm by just not even going to work, it took a toll and I ended up in A&E December 2017. My breakdown which never properly ended it was more of a breakthrough because this was when I finally reached out for mental health support. It took until June 2018 to get that help when I was referred to the recovery team. That's when my real recovery began, September of 2018, I still remain under the team now and attend therapy now for managing BPD and trauma. I will eventually be going on to doing trauma therapy once I have done dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) for 18 months to 2 years.

Trauma can affect everyone differently but for me I chose to suppress it and keep quiet. When I finally started to talk about it I was told I was making it up by people who hardly even knew me, or who just made up lies about me.

I am strong and resilient because I have learnt to be and I am still learning to be, it will never be perfect and recovery is a life long journey that I will ever be thankful for.


Hannah x

Wednesday, 12 February 2020

Feeling Lost

I’m feeling pretty lost at the moment with regards to recovery. I feel like I’ve entered a dead end with no escape. I’m half recovered but not fully at the recovery mark I was hoping for. I’m definitely regulating my emotions more and learning what overwhelms me and what triggers me. Turns out a lot of things trigger me that are kind of easy to get away from. Social media has been a big trigger for me so I took a brief break or a break altogether from certain social media. I’ve deleted Facebook and Messenger. I’ve stopped looking at my recovery Instagram. I’ve made a private Instagram for only positivity and I stopped using Twitter as much. However, since coming back to social media I’ve noticed I’ve really lost the community vibe. I almost feel like I don’t exist or that I’m an alien. Maybe it’s just BPD messing with me and I need to check the facts ( A DBT Skill)!

I’m currently doing DBT and it’s helping me loads it’s one of the reasons I took a break from social media in the first place because I was really working on me and I finally felt like my problems were being solved slowly. I’m still stuck in this rut though where I’m not fully recovered but also not exactly in a relapse/crisis. I actually managed a full moon for once without hitting a crisis!! I always had a relapse the same time as it was a full moon, however I’ve recently learnt so much about myself that I’m no longer in constant crisis. I’m not longer relapsing every couple of weeks. In fact it’s been 100 days since I last self harmed. It’s been 73 days since a suicide attempt. I’m not perfect. I’m still having difficult days. I still have a lot to work on. I have skills from DBT now though which are helping me loads. I’m thinking of doing a blog post or even a Youtube video on the skills I’ve learnt to share with others/you guys!

I can’t believe it’s 2 years and 2 months since I started this blog. It’s really helped me. It went from being my daily journal to blogging updates every couple of months to not much. However it’s not stopped me from sharing as I was doing Youtube for a while. I’m hoping to get back into blogging now and actually do regular updates on recovery and how I’m doing. I might even get back into an occasional Youtube video.

Anyway this was just an update on how I’m feeling about social media and feeling stuck in recovery. I’m sure eventually I will move away from this stuck period and become unstuck. I’m ready to thrive and not just survive.

Hannah x

Self Care

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