Friday, 21 February 2020

Trauma

Trauma is something I was ashamed of for years because I just didn't know how to process it. I was worried what others will think of me if they found out about my traumas. I was worried that if people found out about me going through certain traumas I have been through they would think I was weak and that I was not at all resilient.

In fact I believe trauma has made me stronger and more resilient, after years of thinking I was weak and unable to be resilient, I've realised how much trauma has bought me to learn more skills than I probably would have if I hadn't have gone through trauma.

I suppressed my traumas for years, I have had multiple traumas happen to me and I suppressed all of them. My last trauma was 2014, I suppressed my traumas for 3 nearly 4 years and it all came out, even though I was never stable mentally I had always had symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) from my first trauma back in 2011. However I was only 13, BPD isn't officially allowed to be diagnosed until you are 18. It wasn't until December 2017 I really started to notice my symptoms severely, the self harm the suicidal ideation and perfectionism and black and white thinking really took its cause, I was working as a healthcare assistant for the NHS doing my dream job. I started getting worse lots of time off work and I became embarrassed and I started to hide self harm by just not even going to work, it took a toll and I ended up in A&E December 2017. My breakdown which never properly ended it was more of a breakthrough because this was when I finally reached out for mental health support. It took until June 2018 to get that help when I was referred to the recovery team. That's when my real recovery began, September of 2018, I still remain under the team now and attend therapy now for managing BPD and trauma. I will eventually be going on to doing trauma therapy once I have done dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) for 18 months to 2 years.

Trauma can affect everyone differently but for me I chose to suppress it and keep quiet. When I finally started to talk about it I was told I was making it up by people who hardly even knew me, or who just made up lies about me.

I am strong and resilient because I have learnt to be and I am still learning to be, it will never be perfect and recovery is a life long journey that I will ever be thankful for.


Hannah x

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